Our sweet Julian is three months old today. I love this stage so much. Yes, newborns are precious (cuddles!), but for me there is nothing better than those open mouthed smiles, sweet coos and excited shrieks. This is the start of all of his first year milestones, the moments that fill me with the kind of happiness only a child can bring. It also leaves me quite nostalgic, so when people warn me not to do certain things that will spoil my baby (like having him nap on me), I do it anyway. Because it won’t always be like this. Not with this angel I waited so long for.
Shortly after Luca turned one I had an ectopic pregnancy. It’s not something I’ve shared with many people because I know how common miscarriages are and I know that there are women out there who have real struggles conceiving. But if I can be honest with you, that was a difficult time for me. I’ve never felt more panic and sadness than I did searching that ultrasound screen for a baby who was no longer there. And instead of allowing my body (and mind) the time it needed to heal, I put all of my energy into conceiving again. I’m not the most patient person, but more than anything I wanted to rid myself of the emptiness I felt. By the time I did get pregnant again, it felt like I had waited a lifetime.
Every time I look at Julian, I am reminded of how important it is to have faith. Faith that your time will come and even if it doesn’t turn out the way you planned, there is something just as great waiting in the distance. Everything up to this point was more than worth it, because I can’t imagine what life would be like without this boy.
Julian, you are everything to me. I love you.